Goodbyes

So I blogged about what my sister's foster kids have meant to us.  Today they went home to their momma and daddy.  And we are all crying.  It's raining again, despite weather that gave me a sun burn yesterday.  It seems appropriate.  I was doing well today.  I felt good because I was able to help Dot by running and picking up just a few things to home with the kids that she hadn't gotten yet.  Then her little man gave Kolten a kiss--and I lost it.  Kolten won't even remember his very best and first friend.  It was cute this morning.  Little Man got a ball, Kolt took it away and gave it back.  "As if say, play catch with me."  Kolten then would throw the ball and let Little Man chase it.  Then he'd take it back again and throw it.  Then they found something else to do.  It was cute. 
Yesterday we had Kaylyn's 4th Birthday Party.  These cute angles were picked up for their last visit right at the end at the park.  I did well then until Dot told Kaylyn to say good bye to her best friend.  Thankfully I have good friends who were patient with me as I cried.  While Kaylyn and I were walking home from the park, we talked about what was going to happen today.  And Kaylyn and I cried together. 
It's hard.  Most good byes are not really good byes.  But this one might be a very permanat one.  I hope they remember how much we love them.

My sister has had a night to look at the experience she has had this last year.  She said she thought she understood the foster care system until she saw it through to completion.  She says it's about second chance and putting families back together.  She is honored to be part of the process.  I admire my sisters good attitude.  As painful as it has been saying goodbye, she was able to help take care of these kids so their mom could put her life back together.  And now this family gets a second chance to do it right.  We do believe that God put families here for a reason.  What an amazing sister I have.

Don't quit

My Son, My Only Son
by Michael Mann

You were born abnormal,
Developmentally delayed;
It took some time to realize
That you were special-made.

Your needs were overwhelming,
You were the work of three;
... Day and night you needed
Love and care from me.

I became exhausted,
And did not stay the course;
Fleeing my great failure
I left you in divorce.

They called me a deadbeat,
But you just loved your Dad;
They painted me a monster,
When you were all I had.

Now I am just grateful
God made you like this;
Because your love is perfect
And so resembles His.

 

This is a poem written by my father.  There is a whole essay on unconditional love too.  But I have been thinking a lot about regrets.  I use to live with regrets a lot--some were minor but I would feel deep regret over them all the same.  I have tried to live my life with less regret. 

Lately I have been talking with several of my elders who have big regrets over how life went when they were my age.  My father talks about divorce and being a dead beat.  I have my own poems about the pain that inflicted.  But I'm not here to enumerate their failings or regrets.

I have been pondering about the fact that when I am their age, I hope I feel differently about these years of being a young mother. 

 

I've also talked with friends about marriage.  Their struggles and how they almost didn't make it--but by fighting they are have built a marriage worth hanging on to.  And how grateful they are, as I am, that we did it. 

I am not putting all I have thought about into words well.  I want to say: Hang on!!  Don't walk out!!  Keep fighting!!  Give up what you need to, hold onto what you should.  Be like the Lamanite King who said "God, if there is a God, and Thou art God, I will give away all my sins to know you."  It's hard.  It hurts at times.  And it will take all you have and then some.  But that's why He sent His son.  And it's so worth it.  Just think 20 years down the road--it will be worth it.

If you go back and look, I've talked about living in a motorhome in Todd's grandparents back yard.  This is one fight that is not to personal to share.  It was hard.  There was a leak and we turned off the water.  I would haul it and heat it.  It would take me two hours to do dishes by the time I'd heat enough water to wash.  I learned how to go with 1 to 2 showers a week.  This was hard for me.  The mice was a trial I wasn't sure I would live through.  But we did it with help.  And we paid off a lot of debt.  We learned how to manage money.  And we learned the skills we needed to tackle other weaknesses.  It was hard, but we now look back with fond memories.  We were able to develop a relationship with Todd's grandparents that we treasure.  And we learned what we need to learn.  I hope that for you.  That in time, you will look back and be able to say "I did it.  And now I have fond memories."  Don't quit.  And know you are not alone.

Christmas 2012

Christmas was quiet this year for us.  We all just kind of stayed home. Lucky for us, we live close to a lot of family.  We started with a week of caroling.  I enjoy caroling as much as Todd doesn't.  But by the end of the week, even I was caroled out.  It was fun to see everyone though.

We stayed with Dot and Jonathan and did stockings all together there.  It's fun to watch as they had kids for christmas morning for the first time. 

After stockings, Breakfast at Grandma Tingey's House.  It was fun to spend some time with cousins.  And the food is always amazing!! 

 With the Burrups all over this year, they had a lot of fun with their christmas cards.  And it extended to Christmas.  Where's the Burrups now? What a cute family they are. And it has been fun to watch them grow and play.

 We then traded presents with extended family.

 Then it was back to Grandma Julie's house to exchange with each other.  Of corse the greatest present is each other.  I am so grateful for my own little family as well as living so close to my mom and my sister.  Kolten is at the age that was really fun to watch him.  Next year maybe he'll get it more, but that didn't mean we didn't enjoy watching him this year.

It really was a quiet Christmas for us, but we enjoyed spending it with those we love that live close.

Best friends

The day Kolten was born, my baby sister became a foster parent.  Her son "little man" was born June 1st and put into foster care June 7th when he tested postive for drugs.  It was a very bad case.  And my mom spent many hours holding him in the hospital before he pulled through.  His older sister "sunshine" joined him.
We are not allowed to post pictures or their names here.  Which is a shame.  The pictures of these kids with Kaylyn and Kolten could tell you all you need to know.  But this is why I haven't mentioned them before.  I want to be so careful to follow the rules and not get anyone in trouble.  But I would be amiss to not mention what they have ment to us the Nefs. 
Kolten is one week younger than little man.  Kolten is much bigger though.  These two have been best friends.  It makes me sad to realize Kolten will most likely even remember his very first best friends.  They do not simply play side by side the way most kids their age do.  They are excited to see each other and often climb obsticales to get to each other.  They wrestle.  Kolten use to end up on top, but little man never complained.  Now little man almost always ends up on top, and yes, Kolt is not taking like a man.  They share.  They pull each other's ears and hair and noses.  They kiss each other and give loves.  We are going to miss little man and his precious spirit. 
Sunshine is Kaylyns dear friend. They play together very well despite Kaylyn being a little older.  They too enjoy playing.  And Kaylyn often wants to save treats or go play with Sunshine.  She really is a sunshine and brings a lot of joy to our family.  She fits right in with her mischief and nak for getting into things.  But she really is a sweet heart. 
Today we are crying.  These sweet spirits and spending their first night with their parents.  They will be home at the end of the month.  I know her parents are celebrating.  We have prayed for them.  We are excited that they, even unknowingly, are using the atonement in their life and turning their life around for their little ones.  We do believe in forever families.  But we are going to miss them dearly.  We would love to make them a permant part of our family.  They will always be a part of heart.

Christmas with the Cooks

 This year, we asked Grandma if we could buy some of her left over barbie clothes.  She use to sell them at craft fairs.  And we use to have a lot of nakes barbies.  It was special as each girl got to pick out two outfits.

 We love to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa.  This year she crocheted each girl a scarf to keep them warm.

 And a hat for brother.  Here Grandpa is feeding Kolten.

 And then, we got a special nativity from the holy land.  It is beautiful!

We got Grandma and Grandpa treats this year.  But we enjoy chit chatting, sharing a meal, playing on the farm, and teasing some.  The girls love to wrestle with Grandpa.  And Grandma has started to teach the kids to crochet.

Thanksgiving 2012

 Todd and the girls went and spent Thanksgiving with the Nefs.  We realized that it had been far to long since we had seen Trudy and Anthony.  And they were going.  Kolten and I stayed home with my mom, so I could do the paper route.  It sounds ideal to avoid the in-laws to some people.  But I really do enjoy my in-laws a lot.  So it was hard to agree to stay home, but I am glad the rest of the family got to go see them.

 I did not stay home alone though.  I got to go hang out with the Tingey clan.  In some ways it was nice because I just had my baby.  It was quiet.  But I was happy to have them home when it was all said and done. 
Todd and the girls enjoyed the crazy, full house.  And the nef traditional trimmings and such. Grandma and Grandpa Cook even made it out.

And it was fun to spend time with Tiffany and Spencer before they became parents.  Although I am foggy on everything that happened, they had a great time and really enjoyed spending time with cousins, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

 With all the fun things to do in the home Todd grew up in, I hear they spent a lot of time playing computer games with cousins.  But they did get a horse ride in.  I was shocked to hear the Karla begged out.  She usually is the one begging to do cowboy things.  But Kylee was our horse girls this trip.  She screamed the whole time the time before.  Funny how it goes.

Kylee and Daddy

 Aunt Trudy and Kaylyn.  There are lots of birthday's in Novemeber in the Nef family.  It's hard to tell who exactly there were celebrating here.

Games are always a fun part of getting together with most family!!  And Karla and Kylee are really getting into games--not that you can tell from Kylee's expression in this picture.

 Christmas candy is also fun to make at grandma's house.  Here Trevor, Todd, and Kaylyn are helping.  On Sunday, I forget if the roads were bad or if the electricity went out at the church, but church was at home.  So Grandma K pulled out her pictures from the Holy Land trip she went on recently and shared.  They sang a few songs too.  And they even still dressed up.  The girls really liked church at grandma's house.

I had thought about sending Kolten, but I was still nursing, so he stayed home with me.  Plus we weren't sure he was really ready to spend that long time away from mom.  He was just starting to get to know dad.  Dad didn't have boobs and wasn't important until just about this time.  They have since bonded.  At this point we thought we might be pregnant again.  We found out we weren't yet.  That surprised came after I stopped paying attention.  Unfortantly we had a sister in law miscarry right after this weekend.  Our heart goes out to her and her family.  We are sure getting to be quite the crew.