Don't quit

My Son, My Only Son
by Michael Mann

You were born abnormal,
Developmentally delayed;
It took some time to realize
That you were special-made.

Your needs were overwhelming,
You were the work of three;
... Day and night you needed
Love and care from me.

I became exhausted,
And did not stay the course;
Fleeing my great failure
I left you in divorce.

They called me a deadbeat,
But you just loved your Dad;
They painted me a monster,
When you were all I had.

Now I am just grateful
God made you like this;
Because your love is perfect
And so resembles His.

 

This is a poem written by my father.  There is a whole essay on unconditional love too.  But I have been thinking a lot about regrets.  I use to live with regrets a lot--some were minor but I would feel deep regret over them all the same.  I have tried to live my life with less regret. 

Lately I have been talking with several of my elders who have big regrets over how life went when they were my age.  My father talks about divorce and being a dead beat.  I have my own poems about the pain that inflicted.  But I'm not here to enumerate their failings or regrets.

I have been pondering about the fact that when I am their age, I hope I feel differently about these years of being a young mother. 

 

I've also talked with friends about marriage.  Their struggles and how they almost didn't make it--but by fighting they are have built a marriage worth hanging on to.  And how grateful they are, as I am, that we did it. 

I am not putting all I have thought about into words well.  I want to say: Hang on!!  Don't walk out!!  Keep fighting!!  Give up what you need to, hold onto what you should.  Be like the Lamanite King who said "God, if there is a God, and Thou art God, I will give away all my sins to know you."  It's hard.  It hurts at times.  And it will take all you have and then some.  But that's why He sent His son.  And it's so worth it.  Just think 20 years down the road--it will be worth it.

If you go back and look, I've talked about living in a motorhome in Todd's grandparents back yard.  This is one fight that is not to personal to share.  It was hard.  There was a leak and we turned off the water.  I would haul it and heat it.  It would take me two hours to do dishes by the time I'd heat enough water to wash.  I learned how to go with 1 to 2 showers a week.  This was hard for me.  The mice was a trial I wasn't sure I would live through.  But we did it with help.  And we paid off a lot of debt.  We learned how to manage money.  And we learned the skills we needed to tackle other weaknesses.  It was hard, but we now look back with fond memories.  We were able to develop a relationship with Todd's grandparents that we treasure.  And we learned what we need to learn.  I hope that for you.  That in time, you will look back and be able to say "I did it.  And now I have fond memories."  Don't quit.  And know you are not alone.